Saturday, March 8, 2008

There are days I feel a bit of guilt.

I read a post written by my cousin John today. About my grandparents, but in particular, my grandpa.

I won't pretend to be close to him, or any of my extended family, really (except Joni). Most of them don't ever really know what's going on with me, or anything. It's what partially got me to start this. I want my family to know about me, and I want to be able to discuss things with them when I see them. As things are right now, I think I am, by far, the best at distancing myself from them, and I don't think I know why I'm doing it.

So often I feel incredibly guilty for taking off to Indianapolis. My motivation: my career. My real motivation: part of me wanted to just get away from that damned dirt road. My childhood wasn't bad. I wasn't exactly an easy kid to deal with, that's for sure. I rebelled, in my own ways. Often, without anyone really even knowing.

I never liked living in the country, and it wasn't a secret. Everyone knew I liked cities, and always wanted to live in one. When Bethany didn't work out, and I moved back to my parents for a few months, I was constantly working on trying to get back out, on my own. I remember moving to Midland, it was great. Far enough away I didn't feel like I was idle in my life, but close enough I got to see my parents and my sisters (which turned out to be pretty rare). From Midland, I came to Indy. I remember sitting in my 2-bedroom apartment the third or fourth day here, and just feeling lonely. I missed everyone already. I think I visited my parent's within just a week, or two, of moving down here. I decided I had the time, I should go. So I called my dad, to let him know I'd be there pretty late, and sure enough, spent a small portion of a weekend with them.

So much has happened to my family over these past couple years. Living in such a small community, if something happens to one person, it happens to everyone. And so often, I've chosen work over things that I should have been at. I chose work over just being around right now. While, yes, things are amazing here. I love Indy, and I'm sad to leave in the summer, to go back to school full-time. I'll miss it the entire time I'm away.

I guess I just feel that constant guilt, hearing stories about people I should see, and should be seeing, that I'm not. That I don't make time to see when I am in town (which is getting rarer and rarer).

Hopefully that will change in June.

5 comments:

Jock said...

I think one of the reasons almost everybody has started their own blog was to keep in touch with not only the immediate family but also the extended family. The blogs are one of the highlights of my day and one of the first things I do when I get home at night from work.

The only information I ever got on Mickey was from big J and she never offered any unless I asked. Shae was another I never really knew what she was up too but now with the blogs I get updates almost on a daily basis.

I didn't like moving away from the dirt roads either and feel guilty about it all the time but I had already stayed two years longer than I should have. I was hoping to make it until all kids had graduated from high school. I knew in the future that both J's would eventually move on with their own life and then it wouldn't matter where I lived. It won't be long and big J will be out somewhere, some big city, it wouldn't surprise me if it is on the west coast, and the best means of keeping track of her will be these blogs.

I know most the post written in the blogs are useless, meaningless post except for the family. I for one enjoy reading the useless and meaningless post (by the way most of the useless meaningless post are mine) and hope they continue. I know it helps for life to pass by when I read them. We just need to get Auntie C and Miss Notre Dame to get started on theirs.

curlz said...

It's probably a sign of age or something ridiculous like that, but it is fun to watch you babies and the nieces and nephews make your way in the world.

I also have a love of big cities but am very content to just visit them. Sometimes I dream of living somewhere else, but alas, it's not likely to happen. I'll just have to save my money for plane tickets.

carriegel said...

i for one thought i would never move away from the dirt road and now know i will never move back.
these blogs too have become the highlight of my day. i love knowing what everyone is doing and thinking. who knew we were such interesting people? i hope we can keep them up.
i think i will start looking into starting my own blog. i don't think i have that much to say but maybe i do.
anyway, keep writing and i shall keep reading.

Peej said...

Moving away doesn't mean that you're abandoning your family. You can get away from the dirt road, but it won't escape you. I know that part of you will always like the green grass and sunshine, and you'll probably always cherish the memories from when we were all young.

Also, I figured you'd like the reference I made to the Alligator rugs in Grandma and Grandpa's house (if you remember that, i guess).

curlz said...

You know what, peej, I remember the alligator rugs and I wasn't even pretending.