I read a post written by my cousin John today. About my grandparents, but in particular, my grandpa.
I won't pretend to be close to him, or any of my extended family, really (except Joni). Most of them don't ever really know what's going on with me, or anything. It's what partially got me to start this. I want my family to know about me, and I want to be able to discuss things with them when I see them. As things are right now, I think I am, by far, the best at distancing myself from them, and I don't think I know why I'm doing it.
So often I feel incredibly guilty for taking off to Indianapolis. My motivation: my career. My real motivation: part of me wanted to just get away from that damned dirt road. My childhood wasn't bad. I wasn't exactly an easy kid to deal with, that's for sure. I rebelled, in my own ways. Often, without anyone really even knowing.
I never liked living in the country, and it wasn't a secret. Everyone knew I liked cities, and always wanted to live in one. When Bethany didn't work out, and I moved back to my parents for a few months, I was constantly working on trying to get back out, on my own. I remember moving to Midland, it was great. Far enough away I didn't feel like I was idle in my life, but close enough I got to see my parents and my sisters (which turned out to be pretty rare). From Midland, I came to Indy. I remember sitting in my 2-bedroom apartment the third or fourth day here, and just feeling lonely. I missed everyone already. I think I visited my parent's within just a week, or two, of moving down here. I decided I had the time, I should go. So I called my dad, to let him know I'd be there pretty late, and sure enough, spent a small portion of a weekend with them.
So much has happened to my family over these past couple years. Living in such a small community, if something happens to one person, it happens to everyone. And so often, I've chosen work over things that I should have been at. I chose work over just being around right now. While, yes, things are amazing here. I love Indy, and I'm sad to leave in the summer, to go back to school full-time. I'll miss it the entire time I'm away.
I guess I just feel that constant guilt, hearing stories about people I should see, and should be seeing, that I'm not. That I don't make time to see when I am in town (which is getting rarer and rarer).
Hopefully that will change in June.